Hidden. Unseen. Beautiful.
I have wrestled with a long desire in me to be famous. To be taken notice of. To be worth something. It came to me at a young age. I always wanted attention but never knew how to gain it. But what does it cost to gain fame? What does it really mean to be noticed + worthy? I’m not really sure but I’m thinking it really doesn’t mean much. And the taste I once had for it is now bitter.
Recently news of serious allegations came out of a prominent Christian leader. In all honesty I was shocked…. But not really? But shocked. Like how? He really put on a good front. Making you think he was spending all this time praying + worshiping while all the while hiding sexual sin. It’s honestly unbelievable. But what concerns me more is no one is immune to these things. We all have a bent toward sin. So how do we keep our hearts right?
I am feeling the seriousness of the issue. It’s weighty. If there was ever a time for repentance now is the time! Who am I to judge + say even I can stay clear of that? Like I’m actually capable of being better? I’ve had my own bouts with sin + the desire to be raised up. My own draw to hide things while also wanting to share important things. To take pride in doing good things + be noticed + have my name plastered all over. I’ve had the wrestle of ego + spirit battle within me often, wondering who will win. And the truth is my ego will win. If I am not bathed in truth, if I am not tuned in to Holy Spirit, man I know my ego wins every time. My emotions + selfish desires are loud. They want what they want + try hard! This is not me diminishing anything this man did because it was not good + I hope the women he hurt gain true justice. But my heart is worried about the part where I only worry about that man’s sin + not turn inward + see where my own heart is at.
This is why we abide. To lean into the Father who has a better way for us. So if anything, I can learn from the mistakes of others. To allow the fear of the Lord to shake me a bit. To realize that no man is good or perfect + to desire a high place of authority means a larger spiritual responsibility. There is a weight to it all that needs to be considered + no man is safe from thinking they can do life without God + not be held accountable for their actions.
Being a mom is not glamorous. Making food every day, changing diapers, letting out the dog + taking it for a walk is not award winning. Shoveling the driveway, washing dishes + scrubbing dirty cupboards does not make people gasp in awe. But it’s not really about them is it? Nor is it about me gaining attention. It is about being faithful to care for our sphere of influence well no matter how big or small it is. Our purpose in life is not to make people like us or love us or idolize us. No. It’s the opposite. It’s about God. It’s about bringing glory to His name, not mine. It’s about being an example of who Jesus was. If I get amazing revelation in the word it’s because He opened me up to it. Not because I’m great + found something no one else did… because I’m sure someone else already did! It’s because He wants me to understand Him a little more than I did the day before. To draw me in. It’s a holy beautiful dance in the secret place between He + I.
Oh Father keep a tie on me + on my tongue. Let me not share revelation to bring glory to me + the cool thing I found, but because You are glorious + You are worthy of praise! You desire us to know You + be with You where You are. Give me vision. Keep me from tongues of flattery. Keep me low. In the beautiful unseen. Hidden. Keep me safe in the shadow of Your wings.