A Beautiful Letting Go
It’s all fading, this life.
The mundane-ness is draining.
Like a slow death into absolute nothingness.
I remind myself there’s more,
but the attainment of it appears out of reach.
My soul is tired. Exhausted.
Desiring + yearning takes work + stirs my soul.
But without movement the desire is wearing.
Like a weary traveler searching for rest,
so is my soul.
How to move from here to a resting trust in God
is beyond me.
I so desperately want to let go of it all,
but how to do that without spiraling seems impossible.
I can not possibly hold on any longer, but I muscle through.
Is this just pride that keeps me holding on, or is it resolve?
What would happen if I let go?
Will He catch me?
Will I lose everything?
Or lose nothing?
If I’m to jump into this “Beautiful Letting Go” . . .
I suppose there must be an element of letting go.
I can’t be in control of everything all of the time.
What am I trying so hard to hold onto?
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That was a straight excerpt from my journal. Fed up with distraction, disgusted with my navel gazing ways, I literally vomited frustrated words onto a page. I have been desperate for a change but unsure of the way to make it happen. I have so many good intentions! But what are good intentions if you do not act upon them or worse, start them but don’t stay committed to them. The second of those two makes me more sick to my stomach than anything. I hate starting things with great intentions to stick with it, only to fall on my face + fail over + over again. But I guess if I look on the bright side . . . I have not yet given up! That counts for something right?!
I’ve struggled off + on with distracted living + in December I’ve pretty much had enough. One midnight I was on the couch crying + writing. Sharing my heart with the Lord + telling Him just how sick I was of tripping over myself + how I couldn’t seem to get out of my own way. I stopped to really think on that. As I did it was as if He lit up my brain.
“Then look up.”
Ha! Revelatory isn’t it?! I mean what a simple thought. If I am struggling so much with tripping over me then why would my focus be downward? Lift my eyes up + watch where I’m going. HELLOOOOO! But to take that one step further, look all the way up + trust Him. Allow Him to guide me. How hard could that be? Also . . . why am I not already doing that?! Isn’t that what the Christian walk is meant to be? A faith walk with God, letting Him lead. How did I get so far away from that?
So enter my rest retreat, where I thought everything I put together for me to focus on, to listen to, to read + to do was ordered by me. Think again! Literally everything I had put together had such a beautiful flow to it that every day moved my soul. It was divinely ordered together. For me. By my Father in heaven who loves me. When I thought I was learning how to get my house in order I was learning how scrub the floors as if I was doing it for Him. When I thought I reading an interesting book about the Enneagram, He was teaching me about myself + how to have compassion for others. When I thought I was listening to neat podcast about how to get my focus off of me, He rocked my world to show me just how much a cup of cold water given in His name truly means. When I called my focus for the year “A Beautiful Letting Go”, meaning I’m going to learn to let go of focusing on me + turn my gaze heavenward, I did not realize how serious He took that. Literally everything I have been focusing on for the past month has been all about how I can,
“Love the Lord your God with ALL your heart + with ALL your soul + with ALL your mind + ALL your strength. This is the great + first commandment. And a second like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is NO other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30
I have been learning about the art of beholding God . . . by God. I mean could there be a better teacher than Him? So as I learn to pull away from my addiction to distraction to becoming the object of my affection I made a promise to myself to not post or share any photos of my face for a full year. That may sound like a weird goal + maybe dramatic. However, it was revealed to me during my time away from social media how when I feel low or sad that I end up posting a photo of myself. Not with the outright intention to gain likes or comment, although nice, but in a way to gain attention. To feel seen + remembered that I occupy a little space here in the world. To be noticed. When you think about it, it is a funny way to gain attention. But we all feel lonely at times + will try to fill that void one way or another. So, what better way to put an end to my attention seeking, navel gazing ways than by NOT putting a focus on myself. I plan to put good use to the saying “You become what you behold”. Oh DANG! I sure do hope I become more like my Savior!
(original post date: 2/5/2020)